Couples often get caught up in a vicious cycle of selfishness when it comes to sex. The wife doesn’t get enough affection and emotional intimacy so she denies him sex. The last thing he wants to do when he isn’t getting sex is to be affectionate and emotionally intimate. It is important to break this cycle that most couples fall into at one time or another. Start by taking your SELF off of it.
Most men and women have very different sex drives from each other. This is where 'putting your spouses needs ahead of your own' is crucial. A happy husband is one who doesn't feel deprived of the sex he needs (most men's TOP priority.) A happy wife is one who feels loved, taken care of, and gets all the attention she needs (sex comes AFTER that for her.)
While you are busy trying to discover the combination to unlock your fulfilling sex life, realize the easiest way is to put your spouse’s needs ahead of yours. Men, consciously give your wife all the emotional intimacy she needs without expecting sex. Women, give your husband all the sex he needs without expecting emotional intimacy. The result will be a mutually fulfilling sex life. (I know, sounds easy on paper but may take some time.)
I Corinthians 7:3-5 tells us, “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
Affairs usually occur when a woman is lacking the attention and affection she needs and a man is lacking the sex he needs. Both are different avenues for obtaining emotional intimacy that is missing in their marriage relationship.
Your sex life is the barometer for how well the rest of your marriage is going. Negative feelings about your marriage and personal fears and anxieties are often mirrored in the sex life. Sex is sometimes used as a deliberate weapon against a spouse, in the form of payback for feelings of rejection and frustration.
Many people have negative feelings about sex, often stemming from childhood experiences or past unpleasant sexual activity. Low self esteem and feelings of unworthiness also lead to problems with sex. Multiple sex partners prior to marriage can greatly interfere with healthy sex in a marriage. These attitudes need to be unlearned.
Sex should be mutually fulfilling, not just a sporting event where the wife lies there counting the number of tiles on the ceiling. The average time for men to reach orgasm is two minutes. The average time for women is fifteen minutes. If the wife is not 'going to the Promise Land', (and your normal lovemaking is under five minutes)then you need to make some changes in your sex life.
So what do you do if your sex life is not mutually fulfilling? Don’t be embarrassed. Be honest with your spouse. Figure it out together. Discovering answers together (in a positive way, of course) will only enhance your physical and emotional intimacy. There are some wonderful Christian books about sex available to you. Seek help.
Our deepest intimacies and desires should be reserved for our spouse alone. Share your bodies, your emotions, and your spirit with your spouse in order to become one flesh, as God intended. Yield your SELF to your spouse. We need to be completely open in all areas with our spouse in order to experience the kind of intimacy God intended for marriage.
An enjoyable sex life is the key to keeping the fire in your marriage and maintaining a lifelong love affair with your spouse. It is the link that holds a marriage together. It brings an emotional intimacy level that surpasses any other aspect of intimacy. It makes you and your spouse one. Sex can be a supernatural connection that melts away the cares of the world.