GPS to a Joyful Marriage

My most passionate topic over the years has been about the one thing that easily devastates any marriage – selfishness.   It is also the biggest deterrent from a relationship with God. Now, I thought I was great at unselfishness. I’ve always been a people person, willing to put others needs ahead of my own.   God recently showed me, though, a different side that I never thought of as selfishness. I may not be neglecting anyone or appearing selfish, but when I lose myself in a party of pity, self-pity at that, I’m selfishly ignoring God’s plan for my life. I’m blocking Him out and focusing on my desires that have not yet come to fruition or may have been temporarily interrupted by someone elses words or actions.   This is selfishness towards God.   He wants to be part of all we do in our lives, but when we close Him off by getting stuck in worldly ideas and thoughts, we miss out on whatever amazing plan He may have had for us that day.   We are not trust...

 Self is the biggest stumbling block to every marriage and the major problem in failing relationships.  How do we apply selflessness in our marital relationship? Oftentimes, our personality interferes with our desire to be selfless. Some people naturally inhabit a selfless attitude, while others may top the charts of selfishness. Unfortunately, it seems that the most selfish people are unaware of this flaw in their character. To the world, though, selfishness can sometimes look admirable to others. It may take a conscious effort to begin to put your spouse ahead of yourself. Think of the arguments that would cease if you learned to resist the temptation to have your own way. Isn’t that what arguments are usually about? Does it feel good to get your own way? It may initially, but there is usually a price to pay for selfishness. It goes back to taking your thoughts captive. When those selfish thoughts begin to command your attention, stop them. Ask God for His help...

The “S” in GPS stands for “self.” Put your spouse ahead of yourself.   Aside from including God in your marriage, selflessness is the most important factor for a healthy marriage. In Christian circles, self is a “four-letter word.” We are called to give up ourselves to follow the will of God. Our marriage relationship, ideally, should parallel our relationship with God. In fact, at some point, I believe they will actually intertwine when nurtured correctly.   Hence, we should always put our spouses ahead of ourselves. According to the world, though, self should rank number one in our priorities. Self looks out for its own interests and welfare. Oftentimes, our own interests include overindulging in fleshly desires. Addiction is a raging problem with alcohol, drugs, sex, computers, and anything else that comes before our relationship with our spouse or God.  Many people are obese because of excessive food intake. We are in the midst of a fail...

Okay, I know I’ve addressed the issue of “self” over and over, but it needs to be done!  Selfishness poisons relationships.  Rick and I see it repeatedly in our counseling, even in “good Christians”.  It’s always the thorn in a relationship that will eventually destroy it; a thorn that only the selfish person can remove. A selfish spouse will exhaust their partner and push them out the door.  Unfortunately, most selfish people are unaware of this malicious flaw.  Please open your eyes to this toxin if you are infected with any part of it! I find it curious that the word self is flesh spelled backwards plus an “h”.  (The “h” could stand for him or her.)  Every Christian immediately recognizes the dangers of flesh, but most are blind to the problem of self (although they go hand-in-hand).  That is where we struggle the most in our relationship with God and in our relationship with our spouse. Self wants control, wants everything done its wa...

Matthew 10:37-39, “Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me.  Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” Matthew 16:24 says, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.”  Verse 26 says – “What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?” According to these verses, nothing should come before our relationship with Jesus.  Not our parents, not our children, not our spouse.  Matthew 16:24 says you must deny your SELF and take up your cross to follow Jesus. There it is again – the “self” word.  Selfishness keeps you in the world. “Whoever finds his life (life in the world) will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake (life following Jesus) will f...

James 4:1-3  "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you?  You desire but do not have, so you kill.  You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight.  You do not have because you do not ask God.  When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures". I’ve talked about these verses before which bring me to, what I believe to be, the biggest challenge in marriage and in our relationship with God – self.  I know, I always write about it and keep coming back to it.  It seems to be the key to most of the issues we face.  In whatever scenario you look at causing problems in any relationship, you will find a selfish party.   I once discussed the dilemma of selfishness to a pastor and told him I desired to break the code, figure out how to cure it.  He snickered and said, “Good luck with that....

I’ve been pondering all week on “giving the advantage” verses “taking the advantage”.  Those words speak volumes about a healthy relationship, and I can’t say enough about their importance. When a marriage is headed for divorce, I believe that “selfishness” is the cause (regardless of the circumstances) by one of the spouses, often times both.  “Taking the advantage” is bred by selfishness.  Taking the advantage means to manipulate, misuse, abuse, usually to get one’s own way.  Hmm.  Sounds like a child of selfishness to me. Selfishness is also the reason for backsliding from your relationship with God and refusing to include God in your life.  Self is a four letter word in my personal dictionary, and I see it over and over in couples as the major culprit that will quickly destroy a marriage, not to mention the plan that God has so carefully prepared for you. Below is a link for an article about selfishness on the website for the Institute o...

It is no wonder that marriages are failing at an alarming rate in our society.  We are so caught up in our own “selves” that our spouse’s needs and happiness come second to that.  Alarmingly, this is also the case for many so-called “Christians” in the church.  Why else would the divorce rate of Christians be no different than that of the secular world?  In order for a marriage to be healthy and successful, you cannot put your needs above those of your spouse -- unless they cater to your every whim and are satisfied to play second fiddle in a dysfunctional relationship.  That relationship will not last long. Husbands are the ones, according to the Bible, expected to take the lead in this area.  Ephesians 5:25 says, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her."   Jesus died for the church.  Our sacrifices greatly pale in comparison. Why is it so difficult to put the needs of our spouse ahead of...

It seems I’m still on the SELF bandwagon.   I’m continually bombarded with the inability of many people, and many Christians, to control this ugly monster.   I want to figure out how to help others beat it.    (The problem is that most SELFish people don’t see that as their problem!) I once discussed SELF with a prominent pastor who I highly admire, claiming that I thought selfishness was the root of most problems in marriage.   I told him I wanted to find out how to break through this barrier that kept people apart from God and a healthy relationship with their spouse.   I eagerly awaited his wise and respectable answer.   He said to me, “Good luck with that.   Let me know when you figure it out.” It’s a mystery to me how some people naturally put others needs ahead of their own, never stopping to think of their own desires of SELF.   And then there are other people who are totally caught up in their SELF, and wouldn’t even consid...

I spend a lot of time writing about SELF on my blog.   That’s because I too frequently see it destroy marriages and relationships with God.   It is the slyest device the devil can use to sidetrack us from God’s will for our life and marriage.   (Of course, we don’t need the devil to operate in SELF – he just takes advantage of our SELFishness.)   SELF may be the most difficult part of our personality to quench.  It  can seem noble and necessary at times, even the right thing to do.   Noble and necessary to whom, though - that is the question.   It m ay be to the world in which we live, but not to God. To God, SELF is a blatant denial of what is right for your life that goes against every plan He initiates.   Obliging your SELF equals serving the devil. Even more subtle is a level of SELF that we all get stuck in occasionally.   That level consists of the times we face the big challenges in our lives.   The severi...

Philippians 2:14,15 says, “Do everything without complaining or arguing so that you may become blameless and pure children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation.” Sometimes, when I hear couples speak derogatory words to each other, I want to throw cold water on them to get their attention.  Countless couples get caught in an endless cycle of  insulting each other in a word game they intend to win no matter the cost.  That seems to be their only means of communicating.  Sadly, many of them wind up in divorce - a devastating price they pay for not learning to control their tongue. Rick watched a movie in the middle of the night when he couldn’t sleep called “Diary of an Angry Black Man.”  It was about this man who worked very hard, coming home exhausted, to a wife that did nothing but complain and put him down.  He was tired of it. This wife would get together with her friends, and they would do nothing but badmouth their husbands, onl...

Eph. 4:22-24 tells us, “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” These verses say it all in the key to a successful marriage (next to having God in the center). I have talked and talked about “self” and will probably talk and talk some more about it. Self is the major culprit of problems in marriages and in our relationship with God. If you put an “h” in front of self, (maybe to represent him or her), then spell it backwards, you have “flesh” Flesh and self go hand in hand. One begets the other. The first step in putting off your old self is the desire to do so. We need God’s help to do this. I was amazed at how quickly I threw off my old self when I finally realized that I desperately needed help. I was willing to do whatever I had to do to change my life an...

After reading over my last posting, it occurred to me how slyly the devil can mask our selfishness.  Refusing, rejecting, unwilling, unaccepting, denying, disavowing, being stubborn are a few adjectives that express someone’s love of SELF.  I know I’ve talked many times about SELF, but I truly believe it is a dangerous weapon we carry that WILL destroy a marriage if not disarmed.  It also hinders a full relationship with God. In the last posting, I borrowed some words from Rick Renner’s “Sparkling Gems” about easy footholds for the devil.  They all start with ‘refusing’.   Refuse means “to indicate unwillingness: to declare a decision or intention not to do something.”  Refuse is a verb, an action.  It is not a mental state we have no control over.  We CAN willingly choose to change our thinking about the past, the present and our SELF.  We usually need God's help to do that. And there is that word, “willingly”.  Our wills a...

Our relationship with God is much like our marriage relationship.  You can’t be selfish or prideful and have a healthy relationship with God.  SELF is the number one factor that will keep us from the full, purposeful life God desires for us.  It will destroy our marriage and our relationship with God.  Lucifer fell from the grace of God because of his pride and lack of humility.  No wonder pride is such a struggle for us.  The devil is an expert at pride and quickly attacks our vulnerable areas.  If we are not prepared for his assaults, we easily succumb to his lies about humility. It’s not easy to be humble, especially when living in a world that encourages selfishness and pride.  Let’s face it, worldly success is largely based on how willing you are to promote your SELF.  If you face difficulties putting God ahead of your SELF, chances are you’ve become a little too immersed into the world.  Those who resist dying to their SELF f...

I Peter 3:8 tells us to be “courteous” in the King James version, and “humble” in the NIV.  I briefly mentioned humility in this article earlier, but it continues to occupy my thoughts.  Although I have talked often about ‘self’ and ‘pride’, I’m afraid we can’t hear too much about either.  I believe they are the prominent factors that will quickly destroy a marriage.  So, more on humility! Below is the definition for humble according to my computer dictionary: 1.  modest: modest and unassuming in attitude and behavior  2.  respectful: feeling or showing respect and deference toward other people  3.  lowly: relatively low in rank and without pretensions of humble origins  Below is the definition for courteous: Polite and considerate: polite in a way that shows consideration of others or good manners Encarta ® World English Dictionary © & (P) 1998-2005 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved. I know we all understand...

Lately, I’ve been consumed with a mission that I fear I may never solve. I’m trying to discover how to get through to a person who is so wrapped up in their SELF that they jeopardize the loss of the people they hold dear to them. I imagine that may also be God’s biggest obstacle in dealing with the human flesh. You see, SELF is the hugest factor for destroying a marriage. I know I’ve talked quite frequently about it before, but I’ve seen such devastation because of it in many couples we’ve counseled. Along with a surprisingly low self-esteem, overly selfish people tend to harbor emotional issues they’ve failed to deal with that cause this focus on SELF. Maybe it’s a survival mechanism. In dealing with people who have addictive personalities, the SELF monster almost always appears. The alcohol, drugs, or whatever, become problems big enough to ruin a marriage. Severely selfish people seem to want to SELF-destruct. It’s been said that the best solution for depression or sel...

I have mentioned SELF numerous times in this blog because it is the number one culprit that jeopardizes our relationship with God AND with our spouse. It prevents us from turning our lives over to God and from having the healthy marriage relationship God intended for us. SELF gets in the way of everything we’ve discussed so far; communication, love and respect, intimacy and sex, and our priorities. It cannot exist in a healthy relationship. While the world may tell us to embrace it, the Bible tells us to be free from it. It is in our nature to be selfish, so you have to make a conscious effort to not let SELF control your life. You must crucify it, die to it. Allow God to take the lead in your life. Phil. 2:3-5 says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility, consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interest of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus....

Now that I have my blog running smoothly, I can finally get back to writing. I plan to post articles on Mondays and Fridays, so please stay tuned! Before I get into the heart of communication, I feel it necessary to backtrack a moment on the topic of self. I intended to address an issue still on my mind at a later date. Then, my mother-in-law confirmed my thoughts when she read my last blog and said, “But what about…?” But what about the woman who feels like a doormat, a slave; the woman who gives, gives, gives and only feels taken for granted? This is not putting your spouses' needs ahead of your own, but compromising your self worth. There is a very fine line between the two. Psalm 139:13, 14 says, " For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful." Read all of Psalm 139 to see how amazingly well God knows us. We are children of God. He loves us and...