I'm frequently reminded of the vast difference in sex drives between husbands and wives when talking with couples. Men are like microwaves, and women are like crockpots. The wind can spark a man's desire while women take a bit more time and attention. (In some couples these roles may be reversed.)
It seems to be a mystery to many men as to how to romance their wives and spark their desires for sex. A nudge on the arm and an anxious "Are you awake?" is not on any woman's list of "How to Get Your Wife in the Mood."
Below is part of an article by Jenna McCarthy that I wanted to share with you called, "Say Yes To Sex". Sometimes, we as women have to change our thinking about the whole process of sex in order to keep our marriages harmonious. In case you haven't figured it out, sex is the key to keeping your husband happy.
SAY YES TO SEX by Jenna McCarthy
Remember that can’t-wait-to-do-it feeling? Here’s how to recapture it, even after a stressful day.
I am irresistible. Think blonde (thanks to chemicals), 5 foot 9 (in 4-inch heels) with a perfect body (for hauling groceries and bearing young). I may not be a super-model, but I know that I am irresistible-literally-because in almost a decade of being together; my husband has never once refused sex. He can be preoccupied, pissed off, filthy, fighting a 104-degree fever or all of the above and it matters not. If I initiate sex, clothes are coming off.
The poor guy, on the other hand, gets denied more often than a stolen credit card. My reasons for passing on passion with the love of my life are many and varied. To name a few: I’m tired. I feel fat. I had a bad day. I’m hungry. I’m full. I haven’t showered. I feel fat. He didn’t fold the laundry. The dog needs a bath. I’d rather read. I didn’t shave. I feel fat.
Part of my problem is that making the segue from doing whatever I was doing before-writing, parenting, scraping melted candle wax off the coffee table-to feeling like a vixen isn’t an easy thing to do. You can tuck the kids into bed and leave your briefcase in the car, but where do you put all your worries and obligations at the end of the day? Having no idea how to be all things to all people, particularly your partner, whom you usually don’t see until the evening, when you’re tired, is a big problem for women, says Ava Cadell, Ph.D., a sex counselor in Los Angeles. “Men can get an erection at the sight of a nude mannequin, but we’re just not wired like that. We have to let go of all of the negative thoughts and things that happened during the day before we’re ready to get intimate,” she says.
“Indeed, women who have kids and jobs fantasize about sleep, not sex,” maintains my friend Nancy, 37, a writer and a mom of one. Jen is even more disinclined: “There’s just always something more productive that needs to be done,” the 34-year-old business owner in Athens, Georgia, claims. “The best way I can be coaxed is by the promise of a major back rub or relief of household chores. I wish I could find a way of letting go that doesn’t involve ‘scheduling it in.’”
The world would tell us we can blame what seems like an epidemic lack of desire for physical intimacy on biology. “From an evolutionary perspective, women have always been responsible for many things at once,” explains Laura Berman, Ph.D., director of the Berman Center in Chicago. “The men had one job: to draw the bison into the ravine. To do it they had to be very focused and goal-oriented. The woman’s ability to multitask is an advantage in most areas, but sexually it’s a curse. Most of us just aren’t able to tune everything else out on command.”
Of course, when you do manage to get in the zone and have sex, you probably wonder why you don’t do it more often. Here’s incentive, beyond the fact that it’s fun: Women who have a thriving sex life are healthier physically, mentally and emotionally and tend to be happier overall. In fact, one study of 16,000 people reported in The Scandinavian Journal of Economics found an inarguable link between frequency of sex and self-reported levels of happiness. The study author estimates that bumping up the monthly intimacy session to a weekly one would provide the same bliss boost as a $50,000 raise.
The basics of good sex are nothing new: Keep it interesting by trying novel things, and send the kids to your in-laws for the weekend so you and your partner can have the run of the house. The tips on these pages, however, will give you the extra help you need to flip your desire switch back to the ON position - something that ought to make everyone happy.
More to follow!