For the past couple weeks, I’ve politely written about selflessness and sex. I’ve quoted Bible verses to show you what the word of God says about it, and I’ve carefully suggested some ideas for a more pleasant sex life – which leads to a joyful marriage. (I’m mostly speaking to the women here, but men also need to be aware of it.)
I think it’s time to get right to the point, no dilly-dallying around, no more beating around the bush. Ladies, stop refusing to have sex with your husband. Okay, so maybe you’re not verbally rejecting him, but just avoiding his advances and ignoring the signs that he wants it will cause him to awkwardly retreat in defeat. You are still sending a strong message to him that you don’t want to have sex with him. That can be devastating to a man.
Granted, there are times you have a headache or feel absolutely exhausted, sweaty, depressed, __________ (you fill in the blank). You have two choices here. You can either, (a.) continue to ignore your husband’s advances only to cause the built-up of testosterone in him to ferment into anger that will push him away from you rather than draw you closer (which is crucial to maintain a healthy marriage). Or you can (b.) sit down with your husband and gently say, “Honey, I’m very (tired, sweaty, busy, whatever) at this moment. Could we possibly take this to the bedroom maybe later this evening? Maybe after the kids are in bed and I’ve had a moment to shower and relax?” You could schedule some time into the next day if that works better. There is no doubt that a promise for tomorrow will do much more for your husband’s ego than an indirect rejection. Be sure you honor that promise, though.
Most men, especially younger ones, think about sex many times throughout the day. Most women don’t think about it much. There is a definite disconnect between our sex drives. We’ve discovered in our counseling over the years, that the exception to this rule, a women who desires more sex, is usually married to a man with a minimal sex drive, so there is still a disconnect when the tables are turned. I’m sure God had his reasons for this imbalance. If we both had the same sex drive, we wouldn’t need Him in our marriage.
There are men who demand sex from their wives and some who use the Bible to “guilt” their wives into it. This does not make a healthy sex life (or marriage). The man may be satisfied, but he is not fulfilling his Biblical roll of treating his wife as Christ treats the church. Her needs should be important to him and actually come before his own. It shouldn’t always be about him.
So why is it we women immediately put up a wall when our husbands give the least sign of desiring sex, and we don’t want to break our schedule to accommodate them? For men, it only takes a thought or a visual image to get their motors running. We women aren’t as “easy”. We’ve got to be warmed up to the idea. You know, women are like crockpots and men are like microwaves. Women have to be slow-roasted or gradually prepared for the act. Spontaneity and sex only work for women when there is nothing around us that needs to be done.
The key here is to figure out what works best to romance (or slow-roast) you. This will vary from woman to woman. Most of the time, for me, it’s an all-day thing with little acts of kindness (like emptying the dishwasher) doing the job. I just want attention from my husband, and when he helps me around the house, he’s priming my motor. You can bet if he’s gone all day without muttering many words to me, though, I’m not going to feel very romantic. Men need to realize this about women if they want a pleasurable, compatible sex life.
The best thing to do is to sit down with your husband and discuss this. (Preferably AFTER sex when he’s feeling intimate with you and you with him.) The longer you go without sex, the less intimacy either of you will feel in your relationship and the more difficult it will be to discuss this. Let him know what works for you. Most of the time, you have to spell this out for men.
Granted, there are times where life gets so busy that there is no time for romance. Sometimes girls, you just gotta do what you gotta do to keep the peace. Think about it – five to ten minutes out of your day (sometimes more or less) for a quick roll-in-the-hay is so much easier than days or weeks of frustration and arguing, due to testosterone overload and your pride, that do nothing but destroy a marriage and lead to divorce. Remember, the craziness men go through with lack of sex is a physical reaction to a buildup of testosterone. Sex is a true physical need necessary for that release and necessary for a close, intimate, marriage relationship. Don’t ignore it.