Why Do Women Not Say What They Mean?
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need = I want
It’s your decision = the correct decision should be obvious
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure, go ahead = I don’t want you to
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron
I’m hungry = I’m hungry
I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy
I’m tired = I’m tired
What’s wrong? = What stupid self-inflicted psychological trauma is it now?
What’s wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let’s have sex now!
Let’s talk = I’ll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy and then we can have sex.
For those of you who have been following me since the beginning, you’ve seen this before. I believe it is well worth a repeat! Numerous times, maybe – to remind us just how different our language is from that of the male species.
At first glance, Woman's English and Man's English seems a bit exaggerated. There is actually lots of truth here. A quick analysis of this shows that women tend to NOT say what they really mean. We are complicated beings. Men, on the other hand, are usually forthright and simple.
I started thinking about why woman are like this and found some interesting articles. One in particular I found comes from a blog by Allison Vesterfelt. http://www.allisonvesterfelt.com/5-reasons-women-say-one-thing-when-they-mean-another I wanted to share this with you.
5 Reasons Women Don’t Say What They Mean – by Allison Vesterfelt
It has to be both women and men who say one thing when they mean another, but as I’ve talked to people about it over the past few days – and read your comments on my video post from last week – I’ve also heard, over and over again, that there is something distinctly feminine about the two stories that I’ve described.
I’ll say this again. This is not just a woman issue. And it isn’t an excuse for women to be confusing and convoluted, but here are a couple of reasons why women, more than men, might feel more inclined to speak indirectly, or not at all.
· Women are socialized to be less abrasive, less direct, and less confrontational than men. This plays itself out differently in different parts of the country and different parts of the world, but I think it serves a pretty distinct social purpose. Since women tend to be the nurturers and protectors of the family unit, it makes sense that a woman’s primary instinct would be to make and keep peace between family members and friends. This doesn’t explain the piano story, or the restaurant one necessarily, but it does explain a woman’s tendency to step carefully around difficult social situations rather than confront conflict head-on.
· Women are integrated (men, read: complicated). When it comes to confronting conflict, I wonder if women sometimes don’t address issues directly because their feelings about a particular subject are too complicated to explain. When men address conflict it’s usually pretty simple. “Dude. That was dumb. Don’t do that again.” “Okay.” When women address conflict the conversation is far more integrative. I wonder if sometimes women don’t address the issue because they don’t know how to explain their more complicated feelings (or they simply don’t understand what they’re feeling).
· Women are emotional. Further, I wonder if women are often hesitant to share their feelings on a particular subject because their feelings are more attached to emotion than to logic. Listen to women and men talk. Men tend to say, “Harry, I think that…” Women say, “Harry, I feel like…” In a world where logic is celebrated far above sentiment, it makes sense that women would be hesitant to share less logical views.
· Women want to be known. In the case of the restaurant story, I wonder if women, sometimes, are testing men a little by playing coy. When I asked my friend to evaluate the restaurant story after the fact, she said that she’s always dreamed that a man would know her so well that he wouldn’t have to ask what restaurant she loved, he would just know. This might be an insane expectation, but she is not the only woman in the world who feels this way.
· Women want to be pursued. In the case of the piano story, I keep thinking about how I wanted one of two things. I either wanted a) to prove that I could do it on my own or b) for a man to insist that he help me. In fact, as I was thinking about it this week I remembered a guy I used to date a guy who would insist that he carried my suitcase. It was a really stupid bit we did. It was the same every time. I would say, “no, no” at least two or three times before he would just come take it out of my hands. He would say, “I know you can carry it. But I can carry it easier. So let me.” I think there is a sense of safety for a woman when a man insists that he is going to take care of her.
Okay, so again, I don’t write this as an excuse for women. On the contrary, I want to inspire women to be more direct, to know what they want and to say it. But I do think that paying attention to these dynamics can help men and women relate with one another.
*As for the piano and restaurant story, you’ll have to surmise your own scenario – easy enough with what the writer says. They were stories on her videopost which she has removed.