Can Your Marriage Survive an Affair? More on Intimacy
There is no fixed blueprint
for intimacy. It varies from person to
person, relationship to relationship. We
each have our own set of needs that create intimacy for us. The more our needs are met by our spouse, the
more intimate we feel towards them.
Needs and intimacy go hand-in-hand.
Do you know what your needs are?
Do you know what makes your spouse feel the most intimate towards you?
I’m pretty simple in
my needs (I think) and my desire for intimacy. Conversation and attention are my greatest
needs, although I do love when Rick does chores around the house or fixes
things for me. Sitting in church with
him is also a huge intimacy builder; I always feel very close to him when we
worship together or study God’s word.
Praying together, though, may be the ultimate intimacy builder for me.
It’s very important
to figure out what needs bring intimacy fulfillment to you and to your
spouse. If you don’t know, sit down and
write it out. It’s not hard to figure
out what makes you feel the closest to your honey. Know what works for him,
and let him know what works for you. Be
sure to do the needs survey at the end of this post.
Although I’m
basically talking about emotional needs here, I have to mention the physical
need of sex. Sex is the culmination of
all intimacy. It is the physical
illustration of two joining as one.
There is power in this act that melts away the bad emotions when two
married people join together in a mutually satisfying experience.
“Mutually satisfying”
is very important here, because without it, sex becomes a chore, a weapon. If you resolve issues in the bedroom, chances
are that the rest will fall in place.
Genesis 2:18 tells
us, “The Lord God said, “It is not good
for a man to be alone. I will make a
helper suitable for him.”” God
intended for man and woman to be in a relationship. Vs. 24 -“And
they will become one flesh.”
Intimacy strengthens
love, and without either, it is difficult to stay joined as one flesh. And so, we have to continuously work on
maintaining levels of intimacy that will enhance our love.
Intimacy is an
absolute need for human beings (and for healthy marriages). That is part of the reason God made Eve for Adam.
When we don’t work on
building intimacy, we gradually pull away from our oneness with our
spouse. We begin to build a wall that
makes intimacy more difficult to obtain, and we stop trying to take care of our
spouse’s needs. This is the point where
many turn to another person outside of marriage to fulfill the need for
intimacy.
If you want to make
your marriage “affair proof”, make sure you are fulfilling each other’s needs,
especially when it comes to sex.
We tend to assume our
spouse’s needs are the same as our own.
We even take great pride in our efforts to fulfill them, believing we
know exactly what they need. Meanwhile,
their true needs go unmet. Make sure you
know your spouse’s needs.
Below is a list of
the ten basic emotional needs. Feel free
to add other needs you may feel are also essential to your marital
happiness. Rank these needs in order of
importance to you, #1 being your top need.
Which one would make you the happiest?
Then 2nd, 3rd, 4th and so forth.
Have your spouse rank
their needs, too and be sure to compare notes. You may be surprised how little you know about
each other’s needs.
Affection
Domestic Support
Honesty and Openness
Attractiveness of Spouse
Financial Support
Family Commitment
Admiration
Recreational Companionship
Conversation
Sexual Fulfillment
Sustaining intimacy
in a marriage requires constant effort and is essential for a healthy,
affair-proof relationship.
* More to come on
surviving an affair!
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