Monday, June 22, 2015

More Emotions

Hot…cold…hot…cold...hot…cold.   I’m not just referring to the nasty menopausal temperature swings I experience at night, but also to the extreme changes that can unexpectedly occur in my emotional psyche at the drop of a wrong word or wrong look from someone else.


I have tried to explain our emotional essence as women, but it’s often too deep to comprehend and even more difficult to control.  So what do we do??  We pray - and pray.  God certainly has the capability to free us from this “curse”, but then we wouldn’t have to depend on Him in our marriage, would we?  He will help, but I believe He allows a certain amount of our emotional handicap in order to keep us humbled and seeking Him.

Besides, He has quite the sense of humor to put men and women in the same household, together, to become one as man and wife. He knew we would need His help.  That’s also why He tells us, “It is good not to marry.”  Marriage is probably the most difficult task we will ever undertake.  And it’s meant to be a lifetime sentence…err, commitment.

Below is my emotional chart: (Based on how many times in a day my emotions can fluctuate from happy to upset – happy being the top point, upset being the bottom.)  Fortunately, the older I get, the straighter my lines are becoming.
                        
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My husband’s emotional chart: (No variation)

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Rick has one emotion – “Let’s find the solution, and if I do it just right, I can win in the process.”

How in the world do two people with such different minds ever learn to communicate?  Very carefully and often times, very slowly.  It takes practice.

Of course we communicate very well in the beginning stages.  We’re both on the same
“emotional page.”  We want to spend time together, get to know each other, and develop intimacy with each other.  That’s all we think about.

Once we’re married for a few years, though, it changes.  We’ve had lots of time together, we know everything about one another, and our ideas about intimacy deviate from those original “can’t stand to be apart” feelings. 

Women, especially, find the greatest changes in their intimacy needs once they marry.  They mostly want to be loved, want someone who’ll share in taking care of the home and children, and want time and attention from their spouse.  These needs may have been superficially met before marriage, but after marriage, intimacy goes to a much deeper level that now includes actions.  Words, gifts, and a night out on the town no longer fully satisfy a woman’s intimacy needs.

These actions may vary from woman to woman in what satisfies her needs.  What does your husband do for you that makes you feel the closest to him?  For me, it’s sometimes as simple as Rick washing the dishes or doing the laundry. (He must really love me if he’ll do that for me.)  The little things a husband might do for his wife can speak volumes of intimacy to a woman.

If a woman’s intimacy needs are not met, she will shut down her communication or go to the other extreme and become a screaming, nagging wife.

Intimacy needs for men, though, don’t generally change.  Sex was probably the main need prior to marriage (except for those who chose to wait for marriage) and remains that way for many years as a married man.

If a husband’s intimacy needs are not met (sex), he will have no desire to communicate with you and won’t care about the emotional day you had.  Men do experience other areas of intimacy needs, but they quickly get overrun by the need for sex.

Men have the difficult task here.  They have a lot of ground to cover to make a woman happy in a marriage and in learning how to communicate with her.  The complications that women bring into their marriages with their emotions and ideas about intimacy and love could make any man think he is losing his mind in trying to understand her needs.  Sex is the only way he knows to deal with all this.

Women, you have the easy part.  As long as a man is sexually satisfied, he will listen to whatever you have to say.  (Again, there are always exceptions.)

When we learn to put our spouse’s needs ahead of our own, we will discover the beginnings of healthy communication in a marriage.

1 comment:

Debra Childs said...

What do when menopause sets in and the woman can't stand the thought of sex?