GPS to a Joyful Marriage

Hot… cold …hot… cold ...hot… cold.   I’m not just referring to the nasty menopausal temperature swings I experience at night, but also to the extreme changes that can unexpectedly occur in my emotional psyche at the drop of a wrong word or wrong look from someone else. I have tried to explain our emotional essence as women, but it’s often too deep to comprehend and even more difficult to control.  So what do we do??  We pray - and pray.  God certainly has the capability to free us from this “curse”, but then we wouldn’t have to depend on Him in our marriage, would we?  He will help, but I believe He allows a certain amount of our emotional handicap in order to keep us humbled and seeking Him. Besides, He has quite the sense of humor to put men and women in the same household, together, to become one as man and wife. He knew we would need His help.  That’s also why He tells us, “It is good not to marry.”  Marriage is probably the mos...

Women are usually led by their emotions while men run on logic.  (Again, there are always exceptions to this rule.)  That’s why we frequently hear a husband say his wife is crazy, and a woman say that her husband just doesn’t listen.   The emotional dialogue of women (which is part of our normal communication) often sounds like complete absurdity to men because the male brain doesn’t journey as deep into the complexity of emotions as a female brain does. Therefore, our words can sound like senseless babble (craziness) to men because of their limited capability to digest them with their logical minds. Who wants to listen to babble?   And so, we often find a great communication gap between men and women in marriage relationships. The good news is that we can each learn to adjust our communication differences.  We need to, as women, first understand the importance of controlling our emotions. As humans, we are made up of our physic...

Last week I shared “Love Styles” that we learn from childhood experiences, as written in the article “Patterns from the Past”.  This week I’m continuing with more of the article from the section entitled “A Secure Connection.” A Secure Connection – “Being stuck in a hurtful core pattern for the first 15 years of our marriage was painful.  But, by identifying our love styles, Milan and I were able to address the root of our problems with compassion for one another.  We discovered that growth also brings challenges.  It requires vulnerability to admit our brokenness.  We had to break the destructive childhood patterns of relating that we both brought into our marriage. Our goal was to create the “secure connection” we missed out on as kids.  Being a secure connector means becoming more like Jesus, who gave and received love in healthy ways—honestly addressing problems with patience and grace, repairing ruptures when they occurred.  Couples wit...

We all go into marriage carrying “baggage” from our past.  Our abilities (and disabilities) for love and relationships come from lessons we learned from our parents, good and bad.  I recently read an excellent article from Focus on the Family’s Thriving Family magazine called “Patterns from the Past”, written by Kay and Milan Yerkovich.  If you want to read the entire article, go to www.thrivingfamily.com .  On the top left screen that scrolls through various articles, click on “How childhood experiences impact marriage relationships.” I want to share with you the “love styles” from this article that the authors determined we learn from our childhood. These love styles may open up your eyes to what may be hindering you and your spouse from the healthy marriage you desire.  You may find you operate in more than one category.   The Avoider:   People with this love style often come from performance-based homes that encourage indep...

I struggle with waiting.  It came to me clearly as I waited at the bank the other day.  My handicapped brother recently moved to Florida, and I’m helping him make the necessary changes that come with moving.  I dragged my heels for a few days before I finally took him to the bank because I knew it would be an ordeal.  I knew I would have to wait.  I tried to plan the right day and right hour to go so that there would be a minimum amount of people competing for time with a teller.  It didn’t work out that way, though.  We wound up going on a Friday afternoon, the day and time I would normally avoid going to a bank.  I had to “die to my flesh” and do it for my brother because it needed to be done. I knew we couldn’t go to a regular teller, we’d have to speak to one of the specialty assistants, or whatever banks call them.  There were about six people ahead of us.  A quick scan of the cubicles revealed two workers at their desks....

We all know how appreciation feels, yet many of us rarely receive it and even more neglect to give it. Why is it so difficult for humans to express appreciation?  Some people shower it effortlessly on others, while many don’t know how to express it at all.  It doesn’t take much to satisfy our human desire to be appreciated.  A simple word of thanks can speak volumes to someone searching for approval. Margaret Cousins once said, “Appreciation can make a day, even change a life.  Your willingness to put it into words is all that is necessary.” If you weren’t taught to show appreciation and rarely delight in building up others, I suggest you learn how to – especially if you are married.  We particularly need to express it with our spouse. As many of you women know, most men need more vocal appreciation than women.  They usually require a “pat-on-the-back” after each chore and every good deed done in taking care of the children.  That’s o...

While dining with some friends a few weeks ago, we discussed the subject of marriage.  (No surprise there.)  Margie, the wife of one of Rick’s golfing partners, strongly declared that she believes appreciation is the most valuable gift we can give to our spouse. We all need to feel appreciated. Appreciate, according to Webster, means: a   :   to grasp the nature, worth, quality, or significance of,  b   :   to value or admire highly , c   :   to judge with   heightened perception or understanding :   be fully aware of , d   :   to recognize with gratitude We are all born with an innate longing for appreciation. Even as newborn babies, we quickly learn how to gain attention and positive responses that lead to a feeling of appreciation.  Along with appreciation comes a sense of security.  Negative attention and responses, on the other hand, lead to insecurity and low self-esteem. Appreciation is rela...