GPS to a Joyful Marriage

Romans 12:2-3 “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.  For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.” The second part of verse two says, “ Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Although I grew up going to church, I wasn’t concerned about God’s plan for my life.   After my parent’s divorced, I stopped going to church and grounded my feet in the world.   Most of you know my story so let me cut to the chase.   I lived a life that catered to the desires of my flesh. I often look back at those days and still see God’s hand in my life, although I didn’t ask for His help...

Romans 12:2-3 “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.  For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.” Romans 12 verse 2 was one of the first verses I memorized as a child.  I had no idea what it truly meant.  It wasn’t until after I went through my “desert experience” in my marriage that I understood the meaning. “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of the world.”  Conform means to imitate, follow, adapt.  There was a time in our society, not so long ago, where Christians stood out from the people “of the world”.  That is not the case anymore.   Many churches have relaxed their teachings, delivering a “fe...

Okay, I know I’ve addressed the issue of “self” over and over, but it needs to be done!  Selfishness poisons relationships.  Rick and I see it repeatedly in our counseling, even in “good Christians”.  It’s always the thorn in a relationship that will eventually destroy it; a thorn that only the selfish person can remove. A selfish spouse will exhaust their partner and push them out the door.  Unfortunately, most selfish people are unaware of this malicious flaw.  Please open your eyes to this toxin if you are infected with any part of it! I find it curious that the word self is flesh spelled backwards plus an “h”.  (The “h” could stand for him or her.)  Every Christian immediately recognizes the dangers of flesh, but most are blind to the problem of self (although they go hand-in-hand).  That is where we struggle the most in our relationship with God and in our relationship with our spouse. Self wants control, wants everything done its wa...

Ephesians 5:33 – “Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Nowhere in the Bible is the wife commanded to love her husband.  There is reference to her teaching the younger women to love their husbands in Titus 2:3-4, but other than that, women are only called to respect their husbands.  Men, on the other hand, are instructed, repeatedly, to love their wives. God is so cool how he works out every little detail!  What is the most important need for a woman?  To be loved!  All women desire to feel loved above everything else. And for a man, his desire above all else is to be respected. So God’s word directs us, very clearly, that women should respect their husbands and men should love their wives.  When we do that, we are fulfilling our spouse’s deepest emotional needs.  When we neglect these needs, the vicious cycle begins. It begins slowly and very subtly.  We start takin...

The most challenging vicious cycle we often fall into at some point during marriage, is that caused by intimacy and sex.  I know I’ve discussed intimacy and sex numerous times before, but it is always worth repeating.  They say that sex is the barometer that measures the health of a marriage. We need to keep intimacy healthy in our relationships. Generally speaking, women and men differ in their ideas of intimacy. Women’s strongest desire is for emotional intimacy while men desire physical intimacy.  Most women feel the closest to their spouse through conversation and undivided attention.  They don’t desire sex until their emotional intimacy levels are met.  Men, on the other hand, don’t feel emotional intimacy until after the physical act of sex. That’s when they feel closest to their spouse. They won’t think about emotional intimacy until their sex needs have been met. So here we see a conflict that quickly develops into a vicious cycle if not properl...

Through our many years in marriage ministry, Rick and I have narrowed down four areas that we believe are detrimental to a successful marriage relationship – communication, love and respect, intimacy and sex, and priorities.   We have also discovered a pattern of vicious cycles in each of these areas that we all fall into at one point or another.  The secret to a joyful marriage is to never fall into those cycles or learn how to break them. I want to start with the vicious cycle of communication.  Communication is the key to all we do. For example: lack of money is certainly an issue in a marriage, but the way we communicate the issue with our spouse is what makes it a big problem.  We go into marriage communicating the way our parents taught us to, good or bad.  I come from a family where we didn’t talk about issues; we buried them in the sand.  My father’s word was the only word, so I held everything in and never expressed my true feelings....

Happy Mother’s Day to all you mothers out there.  I believe that motherhood is the most difficult and demanding job, and does not get the credit it so richly deserves.  It can also be the most rewarding.   Because of the challenges and ignorance we face when thrown into this job called motherhood, it can very often overwhelm us, affecting our confidence and causing us to doubt our abilities.  It can raise our self-esteem one day, yet cut it to the core the next. We women have mastered the art of covering our insecurities, especially at first impressions.  Once you get past this initial stage, there’s usually a guarded heart that has been hurt too often.   We all tend to doubt our abilities based on failures from the past.  Most women I know don’t feel as though they are good enough.  We all know that we are more than worthy to God, yet we sometimes struggle to believe it in our human walk.   Maybe we grew up with a fat...